Me? I'm fine, still gestating. Last week I measured 44 weeks, and my midwife estimated the baby to be about 10 pounds. So, clearly she needs every moment of this pack-on-the-fat period. I measured my waist yesterday, 51.5 inches. Seriously.

But I'm not here to talk about me :-) I thought I'd post a few pictures. No, they're not of Easter. Maybe I'll get those up later today. Just some random kidishness.


Tick Tock

So the baby ticker tells me that we will be meeting our sweet babe in something like 4 weeks. As always, that is a bit amazing to me. Physically, ugh, being not pregnant sounds very appealing. It's been a good pregnancy; no bed rest early on, no significant pain until pretty late in the pregnancy this time, pretty good energy (thank you Hemaplex!). The fall a few weeks back is when my hips and pubic symphysis pretty much decided to throw in the towel, but I made it a lot farther than last time. And for that I am exceedingly grateful. So, knowing that the birth of our baby will bring these physical discomforts to a close is encouraging. However...

One would think that after so many deliveries labor would hold no fear. I KNOW that my body can birth babies. I've had no significant problems. And I know that the only way through it is, well... through it. But I haven't been quite able to get my head in the right place. I have been spending a lot of time in prayer, but I just don't have peace yet. The thought of labor still makes me want to cry. Or throw up. As I think back over my last few pregnancies I know that this is standard drama for me as I near the end. I know that some measure of peace will come and that I will be okay. But now, tonight, the valley is dark.

Last night I dreamed that it was time to push. That is the moment I hate the most. I have never experienced the relief that I have heard others talk about when they "finally get to do something." I HAVE been doing something. I've been getting on the other side of every contraction leading to this moment, and now I am lost. It is too overwhelming, too primal, too...much. So that was my dream. That is was time to push, I awoke to that sensation. Scared.

I prayed until I fell back asleep. Because I know HE is there. He is with me, it is His strength that will take me across the valley when I come to the end of my own. I don't feel it now, but I know it. And I know I will feel it when I need it. And from the knowing will come the peace.